Crazy Retarded Harry Stories
by hyper squirrel
Summary: The title is selfexplanatory. It's completely random. FLAMES WELCOME! NEW CHAPPIE! Harry Potter Finds Waldo!
1. The M Word

A/N: This is my very first fanfic, so don't get mad at me ok! I'm just testing out my username to see if it'll actually work! This is just a random story that came into my head I really don't know why I wrote it. Other than to test to see if it works, of course. FLAMES ACCEPTED! EVEN WELCOME! PLEASE FLAME ME! I enjoy getting what my mother would call "constructive criticism", but what I call "insults". You know the drill, R&R! thanks a ton! –hyper squirrel

hyper squirrel: Harry Potter was a very unusual boy. For one thing, he was deathly afraid of... the m word. You may be wondering just what this... m word... is. Harry prefers to call it... the m word. But I will call it by its true name, just to bug him.

Harry: you wouldn't dare.

hyper squirrel: watch me.

Harry: no! (plugs ears with fingers and says in a sing-song voice) I can't hear you! I can't hear you! I'm not listening...

Hyper squirrel: MARSHMALLOWS!

Harry: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! How could you do this to me? You're so cruel, hyper squirrel! I want my mommy! Oh wait, that's right, I forgot. She's dead.

Hyper squirrel: indeed. Now one day, when Harry was walking down the street, he heard a strange squishing noise behind him. Now young Harry, trying to be brave, (as if) turned around fearlessly (ha) to see what it was that was making the squishing noise. He found it was... a marshmallow.

Harry: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!

Hyper squirrel: now it would be an understatement if I were to say he was scared. Lets just say his pants had to be washed when he got back to the dursleys house. (A/N: if you don't get that, he peed his pants.)

Harry: why must you embarrass me so?

Hyper squirrel: because its fun. Now, let me continue with the story or I will be forced to end your miserable existence. He fainted, the marshmallow turned into Albus Dumbledore, aka a cheerleader. He started shouting, "2 4 6 8 that's the way we umm. Something that rhymes with 8!" harry woke up, scared and was whisked away to hogwarts by dumbledore. The end.

Harry: that's not how it happened, and you know it.

Hyper squirrel: shaddup you pathetic excuse for a wizard. Avada kedavra!

Harry: …

A/N: so you like? Please review! I know my grammar is crap but im typing this really really fast so I can check if this thing works. I'll put up more crazy retarded hp stories later. K? thanks for reviewing and remember,

FLAMES ARE ALWAYS WELCOME. (bet you don't see that every day, huh?)


	2. Hogwarts spirit week

Chappie 2!

Hogwarts Spirit Week

A/N: Once again, I am back! Thank you very much to Spoongirl1 and i like black stuff for reviewing! You guys are the greatest!

This idea came to me while I was trying to fight off insomnia last night. I hope you like it. My friend (aka i like black stuff) helped me write this at lunchtime today. Well actually I wrote it and she gave me a few ideas.

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, or any related trademarks or indicia, would I be writing fanfiction?

(Sorry I didn't put in a disclaimer last time)

So, without further ado, to the story! Hogwarts Spirit Week!

Hyper squirrel: One day, at breakfast, Dumbledore stood up.

Dumbledore: 2,4,6,8! That's the way we... ummm... something that rhymes with 8!

Harry: Oh no here we go again

Dumbledore: 2,4,6,8, that's the way we-

McGonagall: ahem

Dumbledore: sorry, Minnie

McGonagall: ahem

Dumbledore: is that all you know how to say?

McGonagall: ahem

Dumbledore: Maybe I should get on with the announcement.

Hyper squirrel: McGonagall was nodding her head in the background.

Dumbledore: Might I say how deliciously tempting you young boys look today- I mean, uhm

Hyper squirrel: You perverted fool!

Dumbledore: Ah yes. On to the announcement.

Hyper squirrel: at the Gryffindor table, three girls (A/N: that's me, I like black stuff, and my friend weirdo) started singing (A/N: the lyrics are in capitals)

ANNOUNCEMENTS ANNOUNCEMENTS ANNOUNCEMENTS BALONEY BALONEY BALONEY WE HAD A COW WE LOST OUR COW WE HAVE NO NEED FOR YOUR BULL NOW A TERRIBLE WAY TO DIE (at this the three girls stomped their feet) A TERRIBLE WAY TO DIE (foot stomp, again) A TERRIBLE WAY TO BE TAUGHT TO DEATH A TERRIBLE WAY TO DIE (A/N: If you're in Scouts, you might get this. If you're in the 53rd Wpg Scouts, you'll definitely get it. Sorry- it's just a song we sing whenever someone says "announcements")

Dumbledore: Thank you for that inspiring performance, girls.

Hyper squirrel: Everybody clapped.

Dumbledore: Hogwarts will be having a spirit week, starting on Monday, which is Crazy Hair Day.

Hyper squirrel: Immediately the girls started giggling madly and whispering excitedly.

Dumbledore: However, this will use magic, so I expect your hair to be really CRAZY! Like me!

Hyper squirrel: The giggling and whispering stopped.

Dumbledore: Tuesday is Pajama Day. (starts drooling)

McGonagall: ahem

Hyper squirrel: Hagrid came, pushed up Dumbledore's jaw and wiped off his drool. Dumbledore continued.

Dumbledore: Wednesday is Tropical Day. Thursday is Gender Bender, aka D- Day.

McGonagall: ahem

Hyper squirrel: D-Day? You're wack.

Dumbledore: Wiggidy wack? (A/N: Inside joke sorry)

Hyper squirrel: Nope, just regular type. (A/N: Inside joke sorry)

Dumbledore: Aw well. D-Day stands for Drag Day.

Hyper squirrel: immediately the whole student population of Hogwarts started laughing. Hard. Me included, even though I don't go to Hogwarts, I just narrate. Wait a minute, that contradicts what I just said a minute ago. Please continue without me while I sort out this mess.

Dumbledore: Friday is Gay Day! My personal favorite.

Hyper squirrel: and so began... Hogwarts Spirit Week. (dun dun dun) Monday dawned bright and early. Ah screw that line. Later, in the Great Hall...

Dumbledore: stands up quite suddenly MY DEPENDS ARE LEAKING!

Hyper squirrel: And with that he ran out, clutching his Depends.

McGonagall: stands up quite suddenly ahem ahem ahem ahem!

Hyper squirrel: Translation: SAME WITH MY TAMPAX! And with that she ran out, clutching her Tampax.

Harry: Oh look, everybody's hair is crazy.

Ron: Nice one, Captain Obvious.

Harry?

Ron: You stated the obvious.

Harry: OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!

Hermione: Good Lord save me.

Harry's hair: Bubbles bubbles bubbles bubbles bubbles bubbles bubbles bubbles bubbles!

Harry: Stupid crazy hair...

Ron: Well, Harry, it is Crazy Hair Day.

Harry: Nice one, Captain Obvious.

Ron?

Harry: You stated the obvious.

Ron: OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!

Hermione: Woah, déjà vu... scary.

Harry & Ron???

Hermione: It's like I've seen this before... but where?

Hyper squirrel: Up your ass and around the corner! Tee hee hee! The next day was Tuesday.

Harry: Nice one, Captain Obvious.

Hyper squirrel: Thank you. You are so kind. I did not expect such flattery when I started writing this story.

Harry: WTF? It didn't work! You are too smart for your own good, hyper squirrel!

Hyper squirrel: I know.

Harry: You know? But how?

Hyper squirrel: Oh, everybody tells me that. My friend was actually saying "Doom on you" repeatedly like those dodos in the movie Ice Age. (A/N: Actually happened. I kid you not. ) and my teacher called me a genius. (A/N: also actually happened. I wrote out this French thingy in like two minutes because I completely forgot about it so I didn't use my dictionary or Bescherelle (French verb dictionary) and I got 99 on it and she called me a genius. She actually thought that I had copied it. But no, I wrote it myself. Sorry, I'm just rambling here.)

Harry: Ice age?

Hyper squirrel: it's new. You wouldn't understand, you pathetic excuse for a wizard. Back to the story. Tuesday was Pajama day. Everyone was wearing their pajamas.

Ron: Nice one, Captain Obvious.

Hyper squirrel: Thank you.

Ron: WTF? It didn't work! You are too smart for your own good, hyper squirrel!

Hyper squirrel: Oh I know.

Ron: You know? But how?

Hyper squirrel: Oh everybody tells me that. My friend was actually saying-

Hermione: Woah! Déjà vu... scary!

Ron & Harry???

Hermione: It's like I've seen this before, but where? Woah... déjà vu again! I'm freaking myself out here! (runs off screaming)

Hyper squirrel: What we need is Ritalin and leashes. (A/N: Daddy Day Care ringing any bells?) Wednesday was Tropical day. Everyone was dressed in Hawaiian fashions. Hermione, on the other hand, had forgotten. So she made up an alibi for just wearing muggle capris and a t-shirt.

Hermione: I was going to Edmonton, but got on the wrong plane and so am in Hawaii and I plan to spend my time in Hawaii in air-conditioned areas.

Hyper squirrel: RIIIIIIIIGGGGHHT...

Harry: Like my sarong, Ron? Hey, that rhymes!

Ron: It's sexy!

Hermione: Oh my god, these Hawaiians are all gay! (whispers to Harry and Ron) Gay Day is Friday, dumbasses!

Harry & Ron: Oops...

Harry: like my sarong, Ron? Hey, that rhymes!

Ron: it's sexy!

Hermione: déjà vu!

Hyper squirrel: The next day was possibly the best day of the week. Ah, the joys of D-day.

Harry: (dressed up as McGonagall) I'm a strict old teacher who can't say anything but ahem! Uh, I mean…ahem!

Ron: (dressed up as Trelawney) Oh no dear boy, you will die because I predict somebody's death every year, and this year its you!

Hermione: (dressed as Dumbledore) 2,4,6,8, that's the way we... uhmm..., something that rhymes with 8! MY DEPENDS ARE LEAKING!

Harry: I'm a strict old teacher who can't say anything other than ahem! Uh, I mean, ahem!

Ron: oh no dear boy, you will die because-

Hermione: Oh no déjà vu (runs off screaming) MY DEPENDS ARE LEAKING

Hyper squirrel: Bring on the Ritalin and leashes!

(three random people come out carrying pill boxes and leashes)

hyper squirrel: You people are so kind...

Random person: You want fries with that?

Hyper squirrel: yes please.

Random person: yes ma'am right away ma'am

Hyper squirrel: WHERE ARE MY FRIES YOU PROMISED ME FRIES BRING ME- ahh, that's better. (mutters) kids these days, can't even get good service anymore...

(random person leaves)

hyper squirrel: ok, here Harry, take these pills... that's it... now we slip the leash over your head... HEEL, BOY, HEEL! (dragged off down hallway screaming)

(random people come out and give Ron & Hermione their Ritalin, put on their leashes, and are dragged away in turn just like hyper squirrel was.)

hyper squirrel: (dusting off clothes) ok, now Friday was gay day. And might I say, I'm not going to name any names but some of you were not acting. (stares pointedly at Harry & Ron)

Harry & Ron: Not us! OH no! We are straight! Yes! (walk off)

Ron: (in a voice that he thinks is quiet enough that hyper squirrel can't hear) where was that broom closet again, Harry?

Harry: (loudly) This way to the potions classroom, Ron! Yes, the potions classroom...

Ron: But Harry, I thought we were going to a broom closet!

Harry: We are ! (sees hyper squirrel staring) uhm... Gotta go! Bye!

Hyper squirrel: ok, so that's the end of Hogwarts Spirit Week!

Hermione: omigod! Déjà vu! runs off screaming MY DEPENDS ARE LEAKING!

Hyper squirrel: Hey Hermy, D-Day was YESTERDAY!

A/N: so how did u like chappie 2? It was really fun to write, and I hope its fun to read. Ah who am I kidding. Just laugh. Now. Or I will be forced to end your pathetic existence. Rating change because of the Depends, Tampax, and Gay themes. Sorry! You know the drill- R&R! And always remember, with my stories,

FLAMES ARE ALWAYS WELCOME!


	3. The Rabid Monkey

A/N: Hello again! Thanks to everyone who reviewed (if anyone did, that is). I hope you enjoyed Hogwarts Spirit Week. Ah, the joys of D-Day... Today's chapter is called The Rabid Monkey. It's a strange fic. I wrote it partially during lunch at school today. Oh, how I love to torture Harry & friends... and incorporate marshmallows and Dumbledore the cheerleader into every chappie...  
  
Disclaimer: bursts out crying WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I do not own Harry Potter. sobs I only own the stuff I made up.  
  
And now, The Rabid Monkey! Starring me!  
  
Hyper squirrel: One day, Harry Potter was walking through the Forbidden Forest, humming Madonna's Like A Virgin.  
  
Harry: I was not!  
  
Hyper squirrel: Oh yes you were. Remember? hypnotizes Harry with a large pocketwatch   
  
Harry: yes... sings I made it through the wilderness...  
  
Hyper squirrel: points wand Harry Silencio! Harry shuts up Anyway, he was walking through the forest when he saw a strange sight. There was a monkey running towards him, foaming at the mouth.  
  
Harry: woah... do you have rabies?  
  
Rabid Monkey: hahaha yes  
  
Hyper squirrel: I decided to make Harry fear for his life. I muttered a few words, and suddenly, the monkey was holding a large marshmallow in his paws.  
  
Harry: NOOOOOOOO!  
  
Hyper squirrel: The rabid monkey started chasing Harry through the forest. Harry takes off running, rabid monkey follows him   
  
Rabid Monkey: making random monkey noises   
  
Hyper squirrel: Harry ran as fast as he could. Suddenly, the rabid monkey turned into a giant marshmallow, making a squishing noise as it sqwooshed after Harry. Harry fainted.  
  
Harry: xx  
  
Hyper squirrel: The marshmallow turned into Albus Dumbledore. Aka a cheerleader.  
  
Dumbledore: 2,4,6,8, that's the way we...umm... something that rhymes with 8!  
  
Hyper squirrel: Harry, woke up, scared, and was whisked off into the Hogwarts Castle by Dumbledore. The end.  
  
Harry: wakes up That's not how it happened and you know it!  
  
Hermione: Woah! Déjà vu! runs off screaming MY DEPENDS ARE LEAKING!  
  
Hyper squirrel: Hey, Hermy, D-Day was LAST week!  
  
Harry: That's not how it happened!  
  
Hyper squirrel: Do you want me to have to torture you?  
  
Harry: torture me? How?  
  
Hyper squirrel: reaches into pocket, pulls out bag of Jet-Puffed Marshmallows   
  
Harry: You wouldn't dare!  
  
Hyper squirrel: Watch me.  
  
Hermione: Woah... déjà vu! runs off screaming MY DEPENDS ARE LEAKING!  
  
Hyper squirrel: Well... now that she's gone... grins evil, maniacal grin   
  
Harry: I don't like the looks of that grin...  
  
Hyper squirrel: laughs evil, maniacal laugh   
  
Harry: I don't like the sounds of that laugh...  
  
Hyper squirrel: throws marshmallows Harry   
  
Harry: NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
A/N: Well, that's the end of chappie 3! Please review! Thanks again to I like black stuff for aiding me in the writing of Harry's sad life. And always remember...  
  
FLAMES ARE ALWAYS WELCOME! 


	4. The Call of the Telemarketer

A/N: Wow, two chappies in one day. This one is a personal favorite of mine, the idea came to me when I was eating dinner the other night and a telemarketer called. And thus, Harry Potter and the Call of the Telemarketer was born!  
  
Disclaimer: Anyone who thinks that I own Harry Potter can go to St. Mungo's for a reality check.  
  
Here it is- The story!  
  
Harry Potter and the Call of the Telemarketer  
  
Hyper squirrel: one day, Harry was sitting in his room on a chair doing absolutely nothing. Well actually he was making up stories in which he was the hero, Ron was the love interest, and Dumbledore was, well, himself. Aka a cheerleader. Absolute drivel.  
  
Harry: blushing No I wasn't!  
  
Hyper squirrel: You're blushing.  
  
Harry: blushing a deeper red No!  
  
Hyper squirrel: Beet red...  
  
Harry: Urgh! You are so annoying!  
  
Hyper squirrel: Marshmallows anyone?  
  
Harry: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! cowers under chair   
  
Hyper squirrel: Thought so. Now, Harry was making up his stories when suddenly, his Uncle Vernon called up the stairs.  
  
Uncle Vernon: Boy! The telephone's for you! mutters darkly though who would be calling you I haven't a clue...  
  
Hyper squirrel: Harry went and picked up the phone.  
  
Harry: Hello?  
  
Telemarketer: Hello, Mr. Potter. My name is Jane. May I interest you in a new broom?  
  
Harry: Um, no thanks, I've got a Firebolt.  
  
Jane: Oh you have have you? Well, why don't you just go and take another look at your... Firebolt...  
  
Harry: Umm... okay...  
  
Hyper squirrel: Harry went up to his room and looked at his Firebolt. It was standing in the corner, smoking some pot.  
  
Harry: Firebolt?! I thought you loved me!  
  
Firebolt: Dude, you are so totally yesterday.  
  
Harry: What??!!  
  
Firebolt: That's what I said, dude. I've got a new friend now. Her name is...Jane. Ringing any bells, Mr. Potter?  
  
Harry: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Firebolt: Jane is a... dare I say it... oh, I can't help it... marshmallow.  
  
Harry: sits down on his bed and cries while his Firebolt flies out the window, still smoking pot   
  
Hyper squirrel: Harry sat there and cried for a few hours before he remembered Jane.  
  
Harry: Oh no! I've forgotten about Jane!  
  
Hyper squirrel: He ran down the stairs to the phone.  
  
Harry: Jane? Are you still there?  
  
Jane: Indeed I am, Mr. Potter.  
  
Harry: You did something to my Firebolt didn't you?  
  
Jane: Oh crap...he's figured me out... and they told me you were an idiot, boy!  
  
Harry: huh? What are you talking about?  
  
Jane: Oh no! Mr. Potter, look behind you! There's a giant marshmallow!!  
  
Harry: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Hyper squirrel: Harry turned around to fend off the marshmallow, and Jane took that opportunity to hang up. Good on you, Jane!  
  
Harry: Hey! I thought you were on my side!  
  
Hyper squirrel: Ha! Your side? I'm with Jane on this one.  
  
Harry: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!1  
  
Hyper squirrel: I'm off to go visit my friend, Jane. But here's a parting gift for you, Harry... hands Harry small box wrapped in Christmas paper with Golden Snitches on it   
  
Harry: OH thank you hyper squirrel! opens package NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!! A MARSHMALLOW!!!!  
  
Hyper squirrel: Ha! Told you I could make him say it! Fork it over, Hermy!  
  
Hermione: forks over a large bag of Galleons, muttering darkly all the while   
  
Harry: Hermione?! I thought you were on my side!  
  
Hermione: ha! Your side? That's a good one! falls over laughing MY DEPENDS ARE LEAKING!  
  
Hyper squirrel: Hey Hermy, D-Day was two chappies ago!  
  
A/N: so how'd you like this chappie, eh? Can you tell I'm a Canuck? (Canadian, for those of you stupid Americans) have you ever noticed that Americans accuse us Canadians of saying "eh" all the time, but they say it more than we do? It's only those two hosers from SCTV who say "eh" all the time. Have you ever noticed that if you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, and yet when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window? Or how it can take one careless match to start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Sorry I'm just rambling here.  
  
So you know the drill, R&R!! and remember,  
  
FLAMES ARE ALWAYS WELCOME! 


	5. Hermione's Deadly Secret

A/N: I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! YAY! And life is good again. Sorry. I'm not conceited much, am I? Oh well! I'm finally getting another chappie out! And as soon as I finish this one (which should take about five minutes) I'll be doing another chappie! Because I actually have ideas now! Bye bye writer's block!  
  
Disclaimer: me no own, you no sue  
  
Hermione's Deadly Secret By hyper squirrel  
  
Hyper squirrel: Harry and Ron had noticed that Hermione had been slightly secretive lately. For example:  
  
(in the library)  
  
Harry: So, Hermy, whatcha readin'?  
  
Hermione: Nothing. Why do you always suspect me? I don't even have a book in my hands!  
  
Ron: Really? And the world as we know it has come to a screeching halt. HERMIONE's not reading? I think I'm gonna faint...  
  
Hermione: You're not serious, are you?  
  
Harry: I think he is...he's looking kinda pale...  
  
(Ron faints)  
  
Harry: See? I was right!  
  
Hermione: So?  
  
Hyper squirrel: okay, so that's enough of that. But why was Hermy acting so secretive? Harry decided to find out. Ron would have joined him, except that he was still unconscious in the hospital wing.  
  
Harry: So, Hermy, what's up?  
  
Hermione: Sky. Ceiling. Planets. Earth's atmosphere. Though I suppose that's down too, when you think of how the Earth is banana-shaped...  
  
Harry: What? It's round...and I thought you were smart...No, I meant what's got you acting so secretive?  
  
Hermione: Promise you won't tell?  
  
Harry: Promise.  
  
Hermione: Pinky swear?  
  
Harry: Pinkies don't swear.  
  
Hermione: Fine. Middle finger swear?  
  
(They hook middle fingers for a second)  
  
(Ron enters)  
  
Hermione: (quietly) I've got a crush on Dumbledore.  
  
Ron: Hey mates! Wait a minute... you have a crush on DUMBLEDORE?  
  
(People nearby start whispering about Harry and how "I always knew he wasn't straight")  
  
Ron: No, not Harry, Hermione.  
  
(People start whispering about Hermione and how "I always knew she was a bad egg, that one")  
  
Hermione: Thanks for announcing it to the whole world, Ron!  
  
(Runs off, Dumbledore comes out)  
  
Dumbledore: 2,4,6,8, that's the way we...something! Hey, where's Herm?  
  
Ron: Herm?  
  
Harry: She went that way. (points)  
  
Ron: OH you meant Hermione!  
  
(Dumbledore runs off, calling out for Hermione)  
  
hyper squirrel: Later that day...well, at dinner to be precise...  
  
Harry: Hey, look, Hermione's sitting up at the Head Table.  
  
Ron: Hey, wow, she is! (pauses) Eww! Are she and Dumbledore doing what I think they're doing?  
  
Harry: Well, what do you think they're doing?  
  
Ron: Eating?  
  
Harry: Ron, look around you. Everybody's doing that. Even you and me.  
  
Ron: We're eating?  
  
Harry: (nods)  
  
Ron: Wow...this must be like rocket science or something...  
  
Harry: (sarcastically) Yeah, Ron, rocket science...  
  
Hyper squirrel: so that was Hermione's Deadly Secret.  
  
Harry: That wasn't deadly.  
  
Hyper squirrel: well, deadly secret sounded better than just plain old secret. And I get to write these stories, so I can make you do whatever I want! Anything at all!  
  
Ron: Anything?  
  
Hyper squirrel: anything.  
  
Harry: prove it.  
  
Hyper squirrel: okay. (concentrates really hard)  
  
(Harry starts doing the chicken dance while singing "O Canada", Ron picks his nose while singing nasally "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too")  
  
Hermione: Wow, you really can make them do anything.  
  
Hyper squirrel: You too. And Dumbledore. (gets evil glint in her eyes)  
  
Hermione: uh oh...  
  
Hyper squirrel: (Very Loudly) Students and Teachers of Hogwarts, prepare to be disgusted!  
  
(everybody looks)  
  
(Hermione and Dumbledore start making out)  
  
Entire Student (and Teacher) Population: EWWW....  
  
Hyper squirrel: I told you you'd be disgusted. But did you listen to me? No, you didn't...  
  
McGonagall: AHEM!  
  
Hyper squirrel: sure, we can end this chappie here...okay...see you next time! Oh Harry...  
  
(Harry comes over)  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Hyper squirrel: you know how I said I could make you do anything?  
  
Harry: Yeah...what are you doing?  
  
Hyper squirrel: Here...have some...MARSHMALLOWS!  
  
Harry: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
  
Hyper squirrel: hahahahahahahahaha I am having way too much fun with this!  
  
A/N: Next time, expect...Snape to get a new hairstyle or two or three or four...Harry talks to himself...etc.!  
  
And remember...  
  
FLAMES ARE ALWAYS WELCOME!  
  
Ass-tronauts... 


	6. Snape's New Hairstyles

A/N: Greetings again to all my readers! All...two? of you... yeah... thanks a lot, guys...breaks down crying oh well! Here's the chappie!  
  
The words in between asterisks like this are Harry thinking and the words in between dollar signs $like this$ are Harry's conscience talking to him. All clear?  
  
Readers: Clear as mud!  
  
Hyper squirrel: good!  
  
Hyper squirrel: Hey, Harry, whatcha doin'?  
  
Harry: Nothing...  
  
Hyper squirrel: Then come here and do the disclaimer.  
  
Harry: (in a bored, textbook voice) hyper squirrel owns nothing that belongs to other people. Duh.  
  
Hyper squirrel: Thank you Harry! Now on to the story!  
  
Snape's New Hairstyle...s By hyper squirrel  
  
Hyper squirrel: okay, potions class. Gryffindor & Slytherin. What will happen? Chaos, of course!  
  
blah blah blah potions class is so boring blah blah blah   
  
$don't you think you should be paying attention?$  
  
AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! Who the frig are you?   
  
$I, dear Harry, am your conscience.$  
  
My conscience, eh? Is that why you were trying to get me to do something...good?   
  
$Bravo Harry! I didn't think you were smart enough...$  
  
Hey!   
  
$Well it's true. Now why don't you pay attention and at least try to pass potions?$  
  
I'd rather hit on Snape...  
  
$Okay then$  
  
(Snape comes over to Harry to check his potion)  
  
$Here's your chance, Harry$  
  
(Harry gulps)  
  
Harry: Hey, Snapie baby, how ya doin?  
  
Snape: MISTER Potter, that will be five points from Gryffindor!  
  
Harry: That's cool wit me. Hey, the word of the day is legs. What say you we go back to my dorm and...spread the word?  
  
Snape: MISTER POTTER! That will be another five points from Gryffindor! (whispers) See you at seven...  
  
(Harry looks traumatized)  
  
$There's only one way to get out of this, Harry...$  
  
(Harry flicks his wand)  
  
(Snape suddenly has an afro)  
  
The Class: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!  
  
$That's not what I meant!$  
  
(Harry flicks his wand)  
  
(Snape suddenly has a mullet)  
  
The Class: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!  
  
$You just don't get it, do you?$  
  
Well, what do you suggest I do?   
  
$Buy him an anchovy and pickle pizza. He'll hate you for life.$  
  
That's a great idea! But do I have to buy it?   
  
$Duh, Harry. You're a wizard. Do you think you have to buy it?$  
  
no, I could just conjure one up...   
  
$Now you're thinking sensibly! Well, sort of... $  
  
Hey!   
  
$Just conjure up a pizza!$  
  
Snape: Class dismissed!  
  
(Harry conjures up an anchovy and pickle pizza and leaves it on Snape's desk)  
  
hyper squirrel: later that day...at lunch...  
  
Snape: (runs up to Harry, hugs him) Oh, thank you so much for the pizza! How did you know it was my favourite?  
  
Harry: Shit...  
  
$Hit on him again...$  
  
Harry: Did it hurt?  
  
Snape: Did what hurt?  
  
Harry: When you flew up from hell?  
  
Snape: Oh, Harry! (sings) take off your clothes...I'll show you my hose...no one will know...because the doors will be closed...  
  
Damn conscience...you have all the worst ideas. First you want me to pay attention, of all things, then you tell me to give him his favourite kind of pizza? And then you make it so he sings?  
  
$Forgive me, Harry. Why don't you just not show up?$  
  
Hey...that's a good idea...Wait a minute, I'm not falling for this again!   
  
$Falling for what$  
  
I am going to show up and that's final!   
  
Hyper squirrel: Okay then Harry, you traumatize yourself there...I for one will NOT be there. (shudders) okay I think I will end the chappie here, because I don't really want to have to narrate what will happen. Later. Yuck...  
  
A/N: so did you like? Next chappie...Draco goes ghetto, and Harry goes goth! And remember...  
  
FLAMES ARE ALWAYS WELCOME!  
  
Ass-tronauts... 


	7. What's Wrong With Voldie?

A/N: hello again! I am back! Much sooner than usual. Oh well. New chappie! This time I thought I'd do something a little different.  
  
Thank you to all my awesome reviewers!  
  
I like black stuff: I take it you liked my chappies, then? THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH YOU ARE SO KIND TO REVIEW!!! sob  
  
Rhavin: Yes, as a matter of fact I did have a bad experience with a marshmallow. I was eating them and then someone shoved one up my dog's ass. No I'm just kidding I was actually on a sugar high (from marshmallows, what a concept) and then I just decided to make Harry scared of them. Oh well.  
  
Spoongirl1: You won't have to wait very long because...I HAVE A NEW CHAPPIE! Yay! And life is good once again. Although I have decided Draco will go ghetto and Harry will go goth in the next chappie, because this one I just had to put up!  
  
Disclaimer: Anybody who thinks I own Harry Potter can go to St. Mungo's for a reality check. Okay?  
  
What's up with Voldie? By hyper squirrel  
  
Hyper squirrel: Okay, so Hermione and Dumbledore got over their little "affair", Harry was traumatized for life as of 7 o'clock last night, and everything was good. Until Hermione's discovery...  
  
(in the hallways)  
  
Malfoy: move it, Mudblood.  
  
Ron: Hey, watch it, Malfoy.  
  
Malfoy: Wow, nice comeback, Weasel.  
  
Ron: you think so?  
  
Malfoy: NO.  
  
Ron: Aw...  
  
Hyper squirrel: Later that day, in the Great Hall...  
  
Hermione: you guys, I just realized something...  
  
Ron: What's that?  
  
(Harry sits staring into space, looking traumatized)  
  
Hermione: All the Death Eaters and Voldemort care about is blood.  
  
Ron: You just realized?  
  
Hermione: That's not what I realized. I realized that they must be...vampires...  
  
Ron: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one, Hermy!  
  
Hermione: No, I'm serious!  
  
(Suddenly Sirius Black comes in)  
  
Sirius: No, you're not! I'm Sirius!  
  
Ron & Hermione: Enough with that stupid joke, already!  
  
Sirius: Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to be dead, right! (falls over)  
  
(There is a puff of black smoke, and Voldie appears)  
  
Voldie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now Hogwarts is mine!!!  
  
Harry: You can't do this!  
  
Voldie: Oh yes I can...Avada-  
  
Harry: Wait!  
  
Voldie: What is it?  
  
(Harry, Ron, & Hermy run away)  
  
Voldie: Hey! Blast.  
  
(Dumbledore walks in naked)  
  
(All the students run away)  
  
Dumbledore: 2,4,6,8, that's the way we...something or other! Yay! Hey, Voldie! Haven't seen you for a while! How've you been? Let's have a tea party!  
  
Voldie: Yay! We can invite all our dolls!  
  
Hyper squirrel: That night, in Harry's dormitory...  
  
Harry: I haven't been able to sleep since last night because I am so traumatized. I am even staying away from my bed. OH the horror of the memories! shudders  
  
(Ron, sound asleep, sits bolt upright in bed)  
  
Ron: (with emotion) StrongMan had to save MeowMeow!  
  
Harry: Okay, Ron, MeowMeow is saved.  
  
(Ron falls out of bed)  
  
Ron: StrongMan had never slept without MeowMeow before. Maybe he'd never sleep again.  
  
Harry: Why does everything seem to remind me of last night?  
  
Hyper squirrel: Because that's the way I'm writing the story!  
  
Harry: I hate you.  
  
Hyper squirrel: so, Harry, did you have any...wild dreams...last night?  
  
Harry: Those weren't dreams.  
  
Hyper squirrel: Whatever do you mean?  
  
Harry: I mean that Snape brought a whole bag full of the m word!  
  
Hyper squirrel: Oh, you poor boy! Here, take this potion. It'll help you forget.  
  
(Harry drinks potion)  
  
Harry: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!! Why does everything look like a marshmallow?  
  
Hyper squirrel: because that potion makes you see only marshmallows.  
  
Harry: you did this on purpose, didn't you?  
  
Hyper squirrel: That I did, dear Harry, that I did.  
  
Harry: I'll kill you for this!  
  
Hyper squirrel: But you can't tell which marshmallow I am, can you?  
  
Harry: well, no.  
  
Hyper squirrel: and killing someone wouldn't look very good on a resumé, would it?  
  
Harry: no, I guess not.  
  
Hyper squirrel: just go to sleep, Harry.  
  
Harry: can I die instead?  
  
Hyper squirrel: No, you're needed in later chappies.  
  
Harry: damn...  
  
Hyper squirrel: and cut! That's a wrap, folks!  
  
A/N: so there is another installment of my story. Oh well. Next chappie, Draco goes ghetto, Harry goes goth, Dumbledore and Voldie have a tea party, and more!  
  
And remember...  
  
FLAMES ARE ALWAYS WELCOME!  
  
Ass-tronauts... 


	8. Cults, Tea Parties, & Changed Styles

A/N: Hi everybody!

Readers: Hi hyper squirrel!

I'm so pleased that you all kept reading my story...(wipes a tear from her eye) okay; I'll cut the crap. Do you want it in cubes or slices?

Disclaimer: Need I waste my time?

Cults, Tea Parties, and Changed Styles

By hyper squirrel

Hyper squirrel: One day, Harry and Hermione were sitting in the common room.

Harry: Uh, Hermione, you know how this weekend's a Hogsmeade weekend...

Hermione: (disgusted) Are you asking me out?

Harry: Hell no!

Hermione: Okay then. Sorry, what were you saying?

Harry: Would you help me find some makeup in Hogsmeade?

Hermione: Makeup? What for?

Harry: Well, you see, I'm going goth. So I need black makeup, and lots of it.

Hermione: I see.

Harry: And I've got black clothes. This is great! Even my uniform is black! Just add a few chains, and maybe some spikes, and voila! Instant goth.

Hermione: Riiiiiight...

Harry: And I'm going to magic a sign onto the back of all my clothes that says "DEATH IS GOOD!".

Hermione: Wow, you're really starting to scare me.

Hyper squirrel: Suddenly, Ron came in, wearing a purple dress and purple heels.

Ron: Greetings, all. I am no longer the Ron you knew.

Hermione: You two planned this, didn't you? Just so I'd get scared. WELL, IT'S WORKING!

Ron: What are you talking about?

Hermione: Well, Harry's going goth, apparently, and now you're wearing a purple dress. Are you going drag queen or something?

Ron: No, I have joined a cult.

Harry: A cult? Sweet!

Ron: The gay cult. We have to wear purple at all times, and we roast a straight guy every week.

Hermione: Well, that's nice.

Ron: I meant literally.

Hermione: Oh.

Harry: I'd join, except that I'm going goth.

Ron: I see.

Harry: No, you don't! (runs off crying)

Ron: Oh, no look what I've done! Harry!!!!!! (runs after Harry)

Hermione: Boys...can't live with 'em, can't send 'em to Mars...

Hyper squirrel: Meanwhile, in the Great Hall...

Dumbledore: Would you like some more apple juice, Mr. BunnyBun? (pretends to be stuffed bunny talking, uses high-pitched, squeaky voice) Why, yes, Mr. Albie, I would love some more apple juice!

Voldie: Another cookie, Miss Teddy Weddy? (pretends to be teddy bear talking, uses really low voice) Of course I would like another cookie, Miss Voldie!

Hyper squirrel: They sat in silence for a few minutes, munching cookies and sipping apple juice.

Albie: Oh no, we seem to be out of apple juice. I'll just pop down to the kitchens and get some, shall I?

Voldie: Oh, Albie, your genius is showing!

Albie: (covers crotch with hands) Where?!

Hyper squirrel: Back in the common room...

Hermione: I am doing homework. I am leaving the common room now. I will now go to my dorm. I will not be doing anything illegal. I have no illegal handguns under my bed. And I am not going to go polish them. No, I am a law-abiding citizen...yes... (leaves)

Hyper squirrel: Well, that sure sounded like she was doing something illegal up there. Let's go check. (goes up to Hermy's dorm, puts on invisibility cloak)

Hermione: Nobody followed me up here, right? Good... (grabs broom, flies out of window)

Hyper squirrel: Let's follow her... (grabs broom, flies out of window after Hermione) Looks like she's headed for that window next to the Slytherin tower...oh! She's gone in! Now why would she be going to the Slytherin tower? (goes up to window, still wearing invisibility cloak) OH MY GOD! (falls over unconscious)

(A few hours later...)

hyper squirrel: Ugg...where am I?

Madam Pomfrey: You're in the hospital wing, dear.

Hyper squirrel: But why...It's all coming back to me now! Eww!!!

Madam Pomfrey: What did you see, dear?

Hyper squirrel: I have to talk to Professor Dumbledore, now!

Dumbledore: 2,4,6,8, that's the way we...something that rhymes with 8! Now, why do you have to talk to me?

Hyper squirrel: I just saw Hermione Granger making out with Professor Snape!

Dumbledore: Why that no good cheating slut!

Hyper squirrel: Who? Hermione?

Dumbledore: No, Snape! I'm going over there to give him a piece of my mind!

Hyper squirrel: Umm...sir...it's quite a disturbing sight...(Dumbledore is gone) Well, maybe he likes lesbian porn... it's his funeral.

A/N: haha lesbian porn! Sometimes I surprise myself with my sheer hilarity. Yesterday I was at the Icelandic Festival in Gimli, and me and my mom went on the Ferris Wheel because I love the Ferris Wheel and she's the only one who'll go on it with me! And just before they let us off, I started laughing my head off for no apparent reason! And then we went over to where my dad and my brother and my dog were waiting for us, and I fell over laughing! And my mom sez "what's so funny" and I sez "I don't know" and I kept laughing and then later my brother sez "what are you laffing at" and I sez "nothing" and he sez "how is that funny" and I sez "I don't know"

Isn't that hilarious? So anyways please review! I'm not going to tell you to read and review, because it's obvious that if you're reading this, which is, coincidentally, at the end of the chapter (dun dun dun) you've read the rest of the story. But remember...

FLAMES ARE ALWAYS WELCOME!

Although nobody seems to flame me! Sob! Somebody please flame me!


	9. Ice Cream, Costco, & AllOut Mayhem

A/N: hi everybody! Sorry I haven't updated in a long while! I was camping with my mother. Sorry I mean my Naneth. Which is Elvish for Mother. And my dad is Ada because that's Elvish for Father. Can you tell I'm obsessed with Lord of the Rings? My name off of the Elvish name generator website is Ingwe Seregon. And Ingwe was a famous Elven king in the Eldar Days when the Eldar still lived in Valinor, the land of the Valar. And Seregon means bloodroot, which is some healing planty thing. I'm boring you aren't I? Oh well my enjoyment is what matters, not yours. That's my twisted logic.

Disclaimer: I don't own it...yada yada yada. I don't even own the plot. Not that I didn't make it up, because I did. I just don't legally own it because I haven't issued a copyright license for it or anything. So I can't say I own it legally. Because I don't'.

Ice Cream, Costco and All-Out Mayhem

By hyper squirrel

(hyper squirrel is walking down a hallway)

hyper squirrel: for those of you who were worried about me, I have recovered from the shock of seeing Hermy and Snape make out. Though I am in rehab and probably will be for a long, LONG time.

(hyper squirrel passes Ginny, Dean and Seamus. Ginny is holding an ice cream cone)

Ginny: so it's ice cream-

Dean: Rolo ice cream

Ginny: Rolo ice cream in a chocolate cone.

Dean: Milk chocolate cone.

Ginny: Milk chocolate cone. (leans in towards Dean) Well, I'll never doubt you again. (leaves)

Seamus: You realize she just took your cone.

Dean: (shrugs)

(hyper squirrel arrives at a door)

hyper squirrel: Ah, here we are. (puts hand on doorknob) (evil grin) This could be fun... (opens door)

(Dumbledore and Snape are arguing)

Dumbledore: You cheated on me!

Snape: You deserved it!

Dumbledore: How did I deserve it?

Snape: You cheated on me!

Dumbledore: What?!

Snape: With Hermione.

Dumbledore: Oh. Oh yeah...

Snape: So I did the same thing.

Dumbledore: Same girl and everything.

Snape: Yup.

Dumbledore: Boy, Herm, you really sleep around!

(Hermione blushes)

hyper squirrel: Woah, Hermy, I didn't realize you were here!

(Dumbledore, Snape and Hermy stare at hyper squirrel)

Dumbledore, Snape & Hermy: Woah, hyper squirrel, I didn't realize you were here!

hyper squirrel: Uh, I'll just be leaving now. He he... (backs slowly out of room, puts on Invisibility Cloak, sneaks back in)

Snape: I'm sure Min would go out with you.

Dumbledore: Oh yeah...(leaves)

(hyper squirrel follows)

Dumbledore: Minnie, would you...would you go out with me?

???: Ahem

hyper squirrel: Omigosh! Professor Dumbledore just asked Professor McGonagall out!

Dumbledore: Is that a yes or a no?

McGonagall: Ahem

Dumbledore: I don't understand you-

(muffled choking sounds)

hyper squirrel: (peers into room) AAAH! Scarred for life! (faints)

(A few hours later, in the hospital wing)

hyper squirrel: (groggily) Wh...where am I?

Dumbledore: The hospital wing.

hyper squirrel: Aah! Get away from me you freak!

Dumbledore: what did I do to deserve being called a freak?

Hyper squirrel: You made out with McGorilla- I mean, McGonagall.

Dumbledore: What did you just call Minnie?

Hyper squirrel: Minnie?

Dumbledore: Minnie

Hyper squirrel: Minnie?

Dumbledore: Minnie

Hyper squirrel: MINNIE?

Dumbledore: MINNIE

Hyper squirrel: MINNIE??

Dumbledore: MINNIE!

Hyper squirrel: Minnie?

Dumbledore: What were we talking about?

Hyper squirrel: I have no idea.

Dumbledore: Okay.

(silence)

Harry: (runs in) Let's all go to Costco!

Whole School (all of whom are miraculously in the hospital wing): YAY!

(Later on, at Costco)

Ron: Look at all the great bargains! I can get purple long johns for only 5.99$ a pair!

Hyper squirrel: five dollars and ninety nine cents?

Ron: Yep.

Hyper squirrel: would that be Canadian dollars or American dollars? (A/N: Go Canada!)

Ron: British dollars.

Hyper squirrel: so shouldn't it be pounds and pence?

Ron: I hate science.

Hyper squirrel: science...yeah...

Harry: Look! A Tickle Me Elmo!

Hyper squirrel: Small minds, easily amused.

Harry: Thanks for the compliment.

Hyper squirrel: It was an insult.

Harry: oh. So you're saying I'm easily distracted?

Hyper squirrel: No.

Harry: so you're saying I'm easily amused?

Hyper squirrel: Exactly. But you're also easily distracted.

Harry: No I'm not-ooh...marshmallows...

Draco: (to clerk) Where do you keep your hair gel?

Dumbledore: Let's see...where's the tampon aisle?

(everyone stares at him)

Dumbledore: What? Minnie asked me to get some for her.

Hyper squirrel: Riight...we believe you...

Ginny: Wait a minute...Harry! Why are you buying marshmallows by the cartful?

Hyper squirrel: (to Ginny) He's read some new book about overcoming your fears.

Ginny: Oh.

Hyper squirrel: (whispers to reader) Actually, he's under the Imperius curse. He'll fill his room with marshmallows, then I'll take the curse off. I am going to have so much fun with this!

(at the checkouts)

Draco: I just love this hair gel! And it's so cheap, I can buy a week's worth! (he has a cart full of hair gel)

Hermione: I can't wait to see the look on dear Snapie's face when he sees his present! (she has a cart full of shampoo)

Harry: (in a robotic voice) Must...buy...marshmallows... (he has a cart full of marshmallows)

Dumbledore: I hope this'll be enough tampons for Minnie... (he has a cart full of tampons)

Ginny: Muffins...(she has a cart full of muffins)

Hyper squirrel: okay, if everyone's paid, we can all go back to Hogwarts.

Ron: wait! (panting) I had to grab just one more pair of long johns! (he has a cart full of long johns)

(everyone leaves)

(later on, in the common room)

Ginny: Where's Harry?

hyper squirrel: He's up in his room.

Ron: How do you know that?

hyper squirrel: because i saw him go up. said something about marshmallows and redecorating. (evil grin, waves wand)

Harry: (from dorm) NOOOOOO!!!

(in a different room)

Snape: What was that?

Hermione: It's the banshees!

Snape: What'll we do?

Hermy: We must run in circles.

(they do so)

Herm: Hey, Snapie, i have a present for you! (gives him shampoo)

Snape: NOOOOOO!!!

(in a different room)

Dumbledore: What was that?

Minnie: ahem

Dumbledore: WHat'll we do?

Minnie: ahem ahem ahem!

dumbledore: stick monkeys in butter and shove them up our behinds?

minnie: (shaking head violently) ahem ahem ahem!

dumbledore: OH! dip monkeys in MARGARINE and stick them up our rears!

(they do so)

Minnie: ahem ahem ahem ahem.

dumbledore: What? I got you the wrong size of tampons? NOOOOOO!!!

A/N: And that's the end of that! no more dumbledore-minnie. he'll find someone new next chappie...don't worry. PLEASE review, and remember...

FLAMES ARE ALWAYS WELCOME!

Ass-tronauts...


	10. Who Gon' Get Some Fries?

A/N: Hello everybody! Nobody seems to be reading this story, so I'll just continue writing it. But even if people were reading it, I'd still keep writing it. Oh well. It's a losing battle.

A/N: JKR owns all...lucky...

Who gon' get some fries?

By hyper squirrel

Hyper squirrel: Let's see...who's Dumbledore dating now? Well, Minnie broke up with him because he got her the wrong size of tampons. So I really have no clue who he's dating now. Let's find out.

(goes to Dumbledore's office)

hyper squirrel: Sugar Condom!

(door opens)

(Dumbledore and Trelawney are making out)

Dumbledore: What is it? Can't you see we're busy?

Hyper squirrel: Uh...sorry...you just answered my question...(backs out)

Ginny: (walking down hallway fondling piece of wood with eyes and a mouth painted on it in Magic Marker) Oh! Hyper squirrel! There you are! I've been looking for you...

Hyper squirrel: Uh oh...why?

Ginny: Because I wanted you to meet Plank.

Hyper squirrel: Plank?

Ginny: Plank, meet hyper squirrel. Hyper squirrel, meet Plank.

Hyper squirrel: (to Plank) Nice to meet you, Plank. (leaves) Ohmymerlin that was weird. And I thought I was odd! Oh well.

(goes to Gryffindor Common Room)

hyper squirrel: Hey, Harry, Ron, Herm, wanna go to Hogsmeade?

Harry: Sure.

Ron: (nods)

Hermy: When?

Hyper squirrel: Tonight. After hours.

Harry, Ron & Hermione: Sounds good to me.

Hyper squirrel: See you later then.

(later)

(hyper squirrel, Harry, Ron & Hermione are walking down the hallway)

Ron: Oh look there's Filch.

Hermione: Filch? Where?

Harry: Over there.

Hyper squirrel: I think he's seen !!!

(they run, Filch follows them)

Voldemort: (pops up) Hey, Squib, you're just as good as a muggle. Avada Kedavra!

(Filch falls down dead)

Harry, Ron & Hermione: (sing) Ding dong, the Filch is dead. Which old Filch? The wicked Filch! Ding dong the wicked Filch is dead!

Hyper squirrel: you guys, do you want to go to Hogsmeade or what?

Harry: (to Voldie) Hey, did you get a haircut? Looks good.

Voldie: (starts fondling his hair) You really think so?

(hyper squirrel drags our favourite trio to the passageway)

(they go in)

(Ron is VERY hyper)

Ron: (sings) Secret...Agent Man! Secret...Agent Man!

Hyper squirrel: Hey, Harry, why didn't we bring an invisibility cloak?

Harry: (humming) Dun dun...dun dun dun! Dun dun...dun dun dun! (A/N: he's humming the Secret Agent Man theme song)

(they get to Hogsmeade)

(Harry picks up hyper squirrel and dumps her in a fountain)

(hyper squirrel pulls Harry in too)

(Ron & Hermy jump in too)

hyper squirrel: How long have we been trying to get out of this fountain?

Harry: (looks at watch) my watch is dead. I dunno.

Ron: a long time, maybe?

Hermy: OH RIGHT! Are we dense or what? I'm a witch! (waves wand, they're all on the street again)

Ron: I just momentarily forgot, okay?!

Harry: I hate to break it to you, Ron...but you're a pureblood.

(a week later, at the Quidditch match)

(hyper squirrel & Hermy are walking toward the pitch)

Lupin: (in a fry cart) Who gon' get some fries? You gon' get some fries! Who gon' get some fries? You gon' get some fries!

Hyper squirrel: Uh...Lupin? Feeling okay?

Hermy: Is this the only job you could get?

(Lupin nods)

(hyper squirrel & Hermione laugh their heads off)

Hermy: HA! What a loser!

Hyper squirrel: French Fries! Ha! That's rich!

Hermy: Let's go watch the Quidditch game.

(they leave)

(they walk toward the pitch)

(they see a dog humping a girl's leg) (A/N: Sorry I just had to put that in. my dog did that to my friend today.)

(hyper squirrel & Hermy laugh their heads off)

A/N: that is all you're going to get for now. And you won't get any more until I get some REVIEWS!!! So push the little blue button and REVIEW, for Merlin's sake! REVIEW, or I'll sic my red fuzzy chickens on you!

And remember...

FLAMES ARE ALWAYS WELCOME!

(sorry I just always have to put that in. it's kinda my trademark. Like that boxing announcer who always says "Are you ready to rrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuummmmmmmbbbbble?" and it's really annoying but oh well.)


	11. The Search For Harry's Pants

A/N: Umm...more hilarity from the crazy folks in this story. ok i am weird.

The Search for Harry's Pants

(Our favourite trio and hyper squirrel are all in the Three Broomsticks, drinking butterbeer. Duh.)

Hermione: I am sorry, but I have deceived you all.

Harry: Wonderful.

Ron: Ok.

hyper squirrel: Explain how.

Hermione: Well...I'm really a man.

(she takes off wig, women's clothing, etc.)

Ron: Oh good. For a while there I thought I was straight.

Harry: What?! You were attracted to Hermione? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME! (bursts out crying)

(Ron comforts him)

Hermione: I'd appreciate it if you all called me Hermes from now on.

Hyper squirrel: (not paying attention, as something has caught her eye...) Whatever you say, Bob.

Hermi- I mean, HERMES: My NAME is HERMES.

Hyper squirrel: Harry, come with me a moment.

(they leave)

hyper squirrel: Harry, why are you wearing a skirt?

Harry: I like to get in touch with my feminine side.

hyper squirrel: Right. NOW TELL ME THE TRUTH, BOY!

Harry: And what if I don't?

hyper squirrel: Then I will pointlessly threaten the life of your secret lover with pointless threats I would never carry out as I don't want to go to jail and/or be executed.

Harry: You mean Malfoy?

hyper squirrel: No...I mean Ron...(mutters evilly) Haha...blackmail...

Harry: I lost my pants, okay?

hyper squirrel: No! You didn't! (falls over)

Harry: Not funny.

hyper squirrel: actually, yeah it is.

(they go back into the Three Wieners- I mean, Broomsticks and find Ron & HERMES making out. The place is deserted. Except for them. Duh.)

Harry: Ron?! How could you do this to me?

Ron: Harry! It's not what it seems!

Harry: Oh really. Could've fooled me.

Ron: It's ...uh...what it is...I mean...uh...SHE SEDUCED ME! (points to HERMES)

Harry: (hands on hips) Explain yourself, Hermio- I mean, HERMES.

HERMES: Uh...um...gotta go. Bye! (runs)

Ron: (calls after her) Why?

HERMES: Girl problems!

hyper squirrel: But you're a man!

Harry: No she isn't.

hyper squirrel: I know.

HERMES: (comes back) Why is it that none of you can accept the simple fact that I'm a man?

Harry: (holds up two fingers) Two words, Herm. Boo (puts down one finger) Bs. (puts down other finger)

(back in the Great Hall)

Dobby: (runs in) Big news, everyone!

(silence as everyone waits)

Harry: What is it, Dobby?

Dobby: (throws hands in the air) Today's the day we start a new roll of paper towels!

(the hall erupts in cheers)

(in the Gryffindor common room after dinner)

Ron: I'm in a playful mood. And when I'm in a playful mood, that can only mean one thing...

Harry: (hopeful) A trip to a broom closet?

Ron: (scribbling furiously on a piece of parchment) Chess by mail!

hyper squirrel: (sits up straight) Do you feel that? That's electricity in the air!

Harry: Guys, I've got a problem.

Seamus: (babbling) Oh great! I've got one too! We can be 'problem partners'! That's what my shrink says to do. To find someone more screed up than me! And-

Ginny: (skeptical) You have a shrink?

Seamus: Well, not any more. They had some budget cutbacks so they had to let me go. But I still have voices in my head. So they gave me a cell phone.

Dean: So you can call them whenever you need to?

Seamus: No, so I can talk into it when I'm answering the voices. That way I won't _look_ crazy!

Harry: Has anyone seen my pants?

Rest: No.

Ron: But we'll help you help you look for them.

(hyper squirrel slaps him on the head)

Ron: (rubbing the back of his head) Ow! What was that for?

hyper squirrel: 'We'll help you look for them'? You numbnuts! We could search the whole castle for the pants and not find them! Hell, for all we know Voldie could have them!

Voldie: (pops up) How did you ever guess?

All: Wha?

Voldie: My evil plot for stealing Harry's pants! And I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids! (throws pants at Harry, disappears in a puff of smoke)

Harry: My pants! (pauses) On second thought, I like the skirt better. (throws pants into the fire)

A/N: Tomorrow is Frodo & bilbo's birthday! september 22! yay!


	12. A Day Spent With Voldie & His Death Eate...

A/N: this chappie has no harry, no ron, no hermione, i mean, hermes, no anybody like that. its only voldie, his death eaters, and hyper squirrel.

(in an abandoned monkey house at an abandoned zoo)

Voldie: Guys, I think we need a new secret hideout. People are starting to notice. (looks over his shoulder)

(people are staring & pointing)

(a monkey jumps on Snape & starts attacking him)

Snape: Apparently this zoo isn't as abandoned as we thought, Your Evilness.

Voldie: (angry) How many times must I tell you to call me 'Daddy'?!

Snape: (salutes) Yes, sir, Daddy!

Voldie: That's better, although I don't like your attitude. No allowance for you this week.

Snape: (crying) no! (begs) Please, Daddy, please let me have my allowance! I'll do anything!

Voldie: Anything?

(five minutes later)

Snape: This is really humiliating, but it's worth $5 allowance. (dancing in a tutu with a squirrel on his head)

(Voldie and the other Death Eaters are laughing their asses off)

Voldie: (chokes)

Lucius Malfoy (aka Lucy): (reaches down Voldie's throat)

Voldie: (chokes even more)

(Lucy pulls out a piece of monkey)

(Death Eaters look curiously at Voldie)

Voldie: (coughs) What? I got hungry.

Death Eaters: OH!

Voldie: So, anyways, we need a new hideout. Any suggestions?

Lucy: A decrepit old warehouse in London?

Voldie: Nah, that's too cliché.

Snape: My office at Hogwarts?

Voldie: Nah...have you seen those things you keep in there? (shudders) So slimy...

A Random 'Death Eater' Whom I Shall Call hyper squirrel: Under Hagrid's hut!

Voldie: It's perfect! We can dig a big hole under it, and nobody will ever know!

(later, at Hagrid's hut)

Voldie: Keep digging! (whips Lucy)

Lucy: Ow! (starts digging faster)

Wormtail: (whining) Daddy, my arms are tired!

Lucy: (cuts off Wormtail's leg with a shovel) Dig, you dumdum!

(Hagrid starts coming out of his house)

Voldie: Hide!

(everyone hides but Snape who didn't hear because he's listening to Britney Spears on his Walkman)

Snape: (singing) I still believe, still believe!

Hagrid: Perfesser Snape, whatcher doin' out 'ere?

Snape: (singing) I'm not that innocent!

Hagrid: (louder) Perfesser Snape, whatcher doin' out 'ere?

Snape: (singing) Hit me baby one more time! (sees Hagrid) Oh...uh...(takes off headphones) Hello. I'm just looking for some potion ingredients.

Hagrid: I'll help yeh! What're yeh lookin' fer?

Snape: Uh...um...(sees Wormtail peeking out of the forest) Leg of Wormtail!

(Hagrid pulls a leg from the ground)

Hagrid: Is this yer Leg o' Wormtail?

Snape: That's it.

Hagrid: Okay then. (goes back in his hut)

(Voldie & the other Death Eaters come out of hiding)

Voldie: Now keep digging!

Narrator With French Accent: Five hours later

(Death Eaters lean on their shovels, panting heavily. A huge hole is under Hagrid's hut)

Voldie: Okay, everybody in!

(they all go down the steps dug into the dirt)

Voldie: This place is too drab. It needs decorating.

Lucy: We need Trading Spaces!

Hyper squirrel: (whacks him on the head) You idiot! Who would we trade with?  
  
Lucy: Um...

Snape: We need the cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy! (peers at Voldie) You _are_ straight, aren't you?

Hyper squirrel: We need to go to Wal-Mart.

Death Eaters: Ok.

Voldie: I love it! Okay, now here's what we're going to do. I have some business to attend to in Hogsmeade. Lucy, I want you to get some of those butterflies that stick on the windows.

Lucy: Yes Daddy.

Voldie: Wormtail, I want you to get paint and wallpaper.

Wormtail: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Voldie: Bad boy! Pay attention! (spanks Wormtail) hyper squirrel, I want you to get some drop-dead gorgeous furniture.

Hyper squirrel: Of course, Daddy.

Voldie: And Snape, I want you to get a ping-pong table.

Snape: A ping-pong table?

Voldie: Yes, a ping-pong table. Now do as you're told or get a spanking.

Wormtail: Hey! You gave him a choice! You didn't give me a choice!

Voldie: Bad bad Wormtail! (spanks Wormtail)

Narrator With French Accent: Two hours later

(outside of Wal-Mart)

Voldie: Okay, you all know what you have to do, now do it! (disappears in a puff of smoke)

(Death Eaters go in)

(Wormtail is fascinated by the sliding doors)

Wormtail: Hee hee! These doors move! Just like magic!

(Death Eaters go their separate ways)

LUCY

Lucy: (walks past cosmetics counter) Ooh...makeup...look! I can get a makeover!

Narrator With French Accent: One hour later

Lucy: (emerges from cosmetics counter with clown makeup on his face) Wow! That was fun! Now what was it Daddy wanted me to get? Oh yeah! (runs off)

WORMTAIL

Wormtail: I think we should paint the furniture hyper squirrel gets in pink, blue, orange and puce. (gets paint in those colours) And a nice yellow and blue floral wallpaper. Yes!

SNAPE

Snape: (walking towards toy department) A ping-pong table? Merlin does he think we're immature? Childish?

(Lucy runs past in clown makeup & a floral pink frilly dress)

Snape: I stand corrected. (he gets to the toy section) Oh no, only one ping-pong table left. (picks it up, walks off)

Mrs. Weasley: (talking to cat) I'm sorry, Mittens, but there are no more ping-pong tables left. (sees Snape walking past carrying a ping-pong table) Hey! You! Yeah you! My cat wants that ping-pong table! So hand it over!

Snape: No!

Mrs. Weasley: (takes ping-pong table, runs off laughing maniacally)

Snape: Oh no! What will Daddy say? (grabs random thing)

HYPER SQUIRREL

hyper squirrel: I need furniture. (takes some furniture) That was easy.

VOLDIE

Voldie: (reclining in a squishy leather chair, smoking a doobie & eating toasted lemur heads) Haha those dweebs are doing all the work for me! Losers!

BACK THE NEW HQ

(the hole is decorated with the wallpaper, paint, & furniture)

Voldie: Hang on a sec. We have no windows.

Lucy: so stick the butterflies on the wall.

Voldie: Ok. (sticks butterfly on wall)

(it falls down)

Wormtail: it didn't work.

Lucy: Nice one, Captain Obvious.

Wormtail: Captain Obvious...I like it.

Hyper squirrel: Why not try it in French? Capitaine Evident?

Wormtail: (very bad French accent) Cap-ee-tin Ev-ee-don?

Hyper squirrel: um...yeah?

Wormtail: Okay, everyone please call me cap-ee-tin ev-ee-don ok?

Rest: Ok.

Voldie: Hey Snape, where's our ping-pong table?

Snape: Well, I was just carrying it out of the store when a band of ninjas came and karate-chopped it to pieces!

Voldie: so why didn't you go back and get another one?

Snape: uh...because...that was the last one and they're not getting a new shipment till Thursday.

Voldie: Dang. I'm in China on business on Thursday.

Snape: I did manage to get this though. I'm not quite sure what it is. (puts box on table)

Voldie: (reads slowly) Tro...jan? What the heck is a Trojan?

(hyper squirrel is laughing)

Voldie: What's so funny?

Hyper squirrel: I'm sure Albie could tell you what a Trojan is. (giggles)

Voldie: I still don't get it.

Hyper squirrel: read the rest of the label.

Voldie: (slowly) Strawberry...flavoured...ohmymerlin! (faints)

(hyper squirrel falls over from laughing so hard)

Rest: Huh?

Hyper squirrel: Are you dense? Did your parents drop you on your heads when you were little? Dress up as Barney and whack your heads with sticks?

Lucy: Alas, you've discovered my tragic past.

Hyper squirrel: Right. They're condoms.

Death Eaters: Oh. Haha? Funny?

Hyper squirrel: you people have no sense of humour.

Voldie: okay, now we have a hideout, we need an evil plan.

Worm- I mean, Cap-ee-tin Ev-ee-don: I thought you were dead!

Voldie: No, dipshit, I fainted from shock.

Capitaine Evident: Oh. I don't get it.

Voldie: back to the evil plan. Any ideas?

Snape: I suggest we use a Polyjuice potion to turn one of us into Ron Weasley and lure Harry into the Astronomy Tower, where we attack him and bring him to our hideout.

Lucy: I suggest we turn Harry's toothbrush into an illegal Portkey to Iceland, then take it. From Iceland, we take another illegal Portkey to King's Cross, where we board the Hogwarts Express and get off at Hogsmeade. Once there, we tunnel into Hogwarts, take Dumbledore hostage, and have Harry and Daddy duel.

Voldie: I like Lucy's plan.

Hyper squirrel: Let's do it next month.

Rest: Okay.


	13. Harry Potter Finds Waldo

A/N: Well, it's been quite a while since the last chappie, forgive me if this one's a bit short, hopefully you likey. 

Harry Potter Finds Waldo

Harry: (opens his trunk) Ah! Who the hell are you?

(A man wearing a red-and-white striped shirt and hat jumps out of Harry's trunk)

Waldo: (mysteriously) Congratulations Harry Potter! I am Waldo, and you have found me!

Harry: Oh…do I get a prize or something?

Waldo: No, but you do get the satisfaction of knowing you found me! (he runs away to hide)

Harry: Why do I always win the spiritually and emotionally fulfilling contests? Ron and Hermione always win the good stuff.

(Cut to Ron and Hermione, who are disco dancing on a cruise ship)

Ron: I bet Harry wishes he were here!

Hermione: Yeah, he always wins the spiritually and emotionally fulfilling stuff!

Ron: And we get the good stuff!

(Cut back to Harry in his dorm)

Harry: Damn!

(He goes down to the common room)

hyper squirrel: Hello Harry! How are you this morning?

Harry: Spiritually and emotionally fulfilled.

hyper squirrel: Me too! I found Waldo!

Harry: What!

hyper squirrel: Yup. He was hiding in my dorm.

(Mexican Hat Dance begins to play)

FLASHBACK

(hyper squirrel sits up in bed, stretches, notices a pair of brown shoes sticking out from under the curtains at the window)

hyper squirrel: Nice weather we've been having! I certainly hope it stays this mild!

(she attacks the curtains)

Waldo: (falls over unconscious) Yerg…

hyper squirrel: Waldo!

Waldo: (suddenly conscious) Congratulations hyper squirrel! I am Waldo, and you have found me!

hyper squirrel: Wow! I feel spiritually and emotionally fulfilled!

(Waldo laughs maniacally and falls out the window)

END FLASHBACK

Harry: (waving his arms around frantically) No, no, no, no, no! This is all wrong!

hyper squirrel: You know, you should take a breath mint.

Harry: Oh really? Wait, no! (looks up at the top of the page) The chapter is clearly titled "Harry Potter Finds Waldo", not "Harry Potter and hyper squirrel Find Waldo"!

hyper squirrel: (waves her wand) Look again.

(Harry looks. The chapter is now titled, "Harry Potter and hyper squirrel Find Waldo.")

Harry: (pulls out a large sheaf of papers, looks through them frantically) This is NOT in the script!

hyper squirrel: Harry, go fishing if you don't like it.

(Harry screams, throws his papers in the air, and runs out of the common room)

hyper squirrel: (sits down on a sofa) That's better. (begins to read a newspaper)

(Cut to Harry, sitting on a dock fishing. A chemical plant can be seen in the distance. A sign on a tree says, "DON'T SWIM IN THE LAKE")

The End!


End file.
